


The Journal of Clinton Francis Barton

by kale_lee



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Clint Needs a Hug, Clint doesn't know Phil's alive, Established Relationship, M/M, Not Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, SHIELD never fell, They were married, journal entries of Clint Barton, the events of CA:TWS never happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 09:41:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7042933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kale_lee/pseuds/kale_lee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine the events of CA:TWS never happened, S.H.I.E.L.D. never fell, HYDRA never took over. Imagine Phil Coulson never took over as Director and he kept to himself with his team. Imagine Clint Barton not knowing his husband was alive this whole time.</p><p>Now imagine, in 2016, four years after The Battle of New York, Clint finds out that Phil Coulson is alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tuesday, May 17, 2016

7:23 AM Tuesday, May 17, 2016  
I told myself that it was going to be a normal Tuesday, but because my life sucks, it has been the complete opposite. I mean, it’s not even eight o’clock in the freaking morning and the city has already suffered from a rabid, pack of angry wolf aliens. I didn’t even have time to make coffee! Ugh anyway, alright so I’m writing in this thing because my therapist said “it will help with your anger issues” but I don’t really know. I don’t really feel better for writing this, the only thing that can help is coffee. I should probably get some coffee before I murder someone.

8:05 AM Tuesday, May 17, 2016  
I got some coffee, and I was even nice enough to get Natasha some too. See, I don’t have anger issues, because if I really did, I wouldn’t have gotten a coffee for my best friend! Anyway, I got coffee. Now I’m sitting at my desk attempting to do work, but I’m just not really feeling it right now. I’ll do it later. If Phil was here he’d tell me to do it anyway. Jesus Christ, now I’m thinking of Phil, dammit. I think I’m going to go to the range and practice some shots. Not that I need practice, but it’ll clear my head. That’s another thing my therapist said this journal would help. She said, “writing helps put your emotion into words, so you can clear your mind of all those bad feelings you have.” Whatever that means. The only thing that clears my head is shooting dummies in the face at the range. Which I am going to do right now.

12:18 PM Tuesday, May 17, 2016  
I went to the range. I didn’t miss at all, which was expected. But I have been thinking of Phil lately, which could have affected my A lot, actually. God, I hate this journal. I should do my work because I still haven’t actually done it. But it’s also lunch time. I need more coffee. I’ll probably end up just eating in the cafeteria again. Nat always wants to go out to the nearby dinner, but let’s be real here we’re not all multi-millionaires like Stark. I will also admit that the pay-grade for being an Avenger is very high, but I’d rather save my money than spend it on bad pancakes at a diner that is too run-down to any new customers. Nat seems to be the only one keeping the place in business. Anyway, I’ll just eat in the cafeteria. It’s what I do most days. I can also get free coffee there. God, I need more coffee.

1:24 PM Tuesday, May 17, 2016  
I got more coffee. I had lunch. My day is starting to become somewhat normal. I need to do my work. I really don’t want to but Fury will literally kill me if I don’t finish this by tonight. I really don’t want to do this, but I also don’t want to die so…

4:52 PM Tuesday, May 17, 2016  
So I just learned at my therapist is going to look through my journal, which is just… uhh well, I don’t know. I don’t really want her looking at this. Honestly, I don’t even know why I still go to her. I’m fine! I’m completely fine. S.H.I.E.L.D. only made me go to get grief counseling. But, it’s been four years since Phil died. Four years, and I still go to a therapist. 

6:47 PM Tuesday, May 17, 2016  
I’m home. Well, I’m at the tower, which is where I live, but I can’t seem to call it home yet. I’ve been here for God doesn’t know how long, and I’m still too stubborn to call this place my home.

8:03 PM Tuesday. May 17, 2016  
Well, I made dinner. I was never a good cook, but I made dinner. Phil would always cook. God, four years and I still can’t learn how to cook for myself. Fuck, I can’t stop thinking about him.


	2. Wednesday, May 18, 2016

5:22 AM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
I didn’t sleep a lot last night. I watched a lot of crap TV shows. Something about people competing to be the best chef in America. I need coffee. I should call Natasha, maybe I should get her coffee again… no, she’s fine, she can get her own coffee. I need to get to work, oh God, did I ever give that work to Fury? I’m pretty sure I did. I mean I did it, but did I give it to him? I don’t know, we’ll find out soon I guess.

6:47 AM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
So it turns out I did not give my paperwork to Fury, so he’ll be pissed today, which is obviously great for me. Yay me! I’ll just go by his office later and drop it off. 

9:10 AM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
So I went to my therapist, and I “forgot” to bring this journal which was convenient for me because I will admit I do kinda like writing in this thing. But, I don’t want anyone to read it. It’s like my own Diary. God, I sound like a teenager. Anyway, I guess I’m doing okay. I think I’m doing okay. I need more coffee actually. Anyway, time to get more coffee and get to work! Yay work!

10:12 AM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
So I gave my work to Fury, I went up to his office, I went in, forgot to knock, said, “Hey Fury, I forgot to give this paperwork to you last night,” but uh. Hmm, alright well goddammit. I didn’t think the rumors were true. I didn’t want to believe them, but wow! They are true. Phil’s alive. So, I kinda like stopped in the middle of my sentence, and you know apologized for intruding Fury’s office. God, I should have knocked. If I had just knocked I wouldn’t have seen, this goddamn… he’s alive. Oh dear God, he’s alive. 

10:34 AM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
So I realized now, that I wasn’t very clear on what happened. Uh okay, I also realize I don’t need to be super clear because I am technically the only one who reads this but, I might actually let my therapist read this. Okay, alright so, I went up to Fury’s office, I walked in, and right there, talking to Fury, is a hologram of Phil Coulson. Goddamn, I should’ve known. I should’ve known that nobody really stays dead in S.H.I.E.L.D. 

11:46 AM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
Fury came to talk to me. This is all bullshit. Phil being alive is all bullshit, Fury’s excuses are bullshit, and this is all just complete, utter bullshit! He kept saying all this bullshit stuff like "you couldn't know because you didn't have clearance level," or "he wanted to tell you, he wanted you to know, but you couldn't" or "it's for the best that you didn't know." Well, fuck me not having a clearance level, you know rumor has it that, that special field agent, Grant Ward was leveled up JUST so he could get on Coulson’s team! Which yes, I know about that too. He’s alive, and he has a fucking team all to himself. No wonder May quit her retirement, because of course, she joined Phil Coulson’s special team! Yay her! Yay yay yay yay! 

1:13 PM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
I didn’t eat lunch, I wasn’t feeling up to it. Nat yelled at me, but I got more coffee so I should be good. She doesn’t even know why I’m mad. But she can’t know either because she “doesn’t have the clearance level.” 

3:32 PM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
I left work early. I don’t care anymore. Fury will be mad, but honestly, I really really don’t care. I need a nap. I might take a nap. I’ve noticed that I sleep when I’m angry. Goddammit, I’m really angry too. I could sleep for days. That would be nice.

7:27 PM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
I just woke up from my nap. Nat actually woke me up, with the noises of her attempting to break into my apartment. For a deadly spy, she’s not very quiet when it comes to breaking and entering. Nor is she good at it, it took three minutes of her attempting to pick the lock for me to finally get up and unlock it for her. She brought me food, though, so I don’t really mind. She may not know why I’m angry, but at least she knows that I am angry. God, I really want to tell her. If I quit S.H.I.E.L.D. I could tell her. Fury can’t tell me what to do if he doesn’t control me anymore. I wouldn’t have to follow any of their rules. I should quit. It’s not like I actually enjoy working there anyway. 

8:56 PM Wednesday, May 18, 2016  
Nat just left, I thought it over. I think I’m going to quit S.H.I.E.L.D. I’m not 100% sure, though, so I’m gonna sleep on it. Goodnight Journal. God, is that weird? To say goodnight to a journal? Okay, whatever. I don’t care. Also, just because I go to bed at nine o’clock, doesn’t make me uncool. I’m sorry that I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to go to work.


End file.
